


Memoria

by Warriorqueen1991



Category: Desierto - Fandom, JDM - Fandom, Jeffrey Dean Morgan - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Jeffrey Dean Morgan - Freeform, Language, M/M, NSFW, Sam (desierto) - Freeform, Self Harm, Slow Burn, Smut, Violence, desierto
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-15
Updated: 2018-12-15
Packaged: 2019-09-18 16:13:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,451
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16998288
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Warriorqueen1991/pseuds/Warriorqueen1991
Summary: It's been three years since the events of Desierto and Sam can't remember who he is, or what he's done. All he knows is that it couldn't of been good. Drowning in a sea of guilt and depression for something he can't even remember doing, can his new therapist convince him that he doesn't have to be the demon from the desert that haunts his dreams?





	1. Chapter 1

Claire watched as the man continued to remain motionless, his elbows resting on his knees as his hazel eyes stayed fixated on the eggshell white linoleum below his feet. Even after she had broken the silence with the polite clearing of her throat. 

Claire opened her notepad and tapped her grey pen twice on its edge before shifting her right leg over the other. 

Just as she was about to say something a sudden exhale of breath stopped her, her mouth remaining open before she quickly shut it as the older man ran his long fingers through his salt and pepper hair causing it to stand up in the front. 

She blinked surprised by his sudden movements after almost an hour of complete silence. "Sam?" Claire questioned as his eyes darted from the floor to her, before quickly shifting back into the hard plastic chair folding his toned arms across his chest letting out a couple puffs of air before squeezing his eyes shut, tapping his heel on the floor.

"Sam...i'm here to help you. But I can't help if you don't talk to me".

Sam's eyes cracked opened slightly before he quickly got to his feet. Sam was clad in a pair of grey comfortably loose lounge pants and a white tank that clung to his lean form as he made his way to the opposite wall limping slightly on his right leg, the wall the same dull white as the floor. 

"Sam!....i'm gonna show up here every day for the next month rather you decide to talk to me or not".

Claire sighed heavily as she ran her hand through her long black hair, "wouldn't it be polite to at least make the most of my time?" 

Sam turned to her resting his back against the wall "i'm not sure what...." he paused shifting from one foot to the other, his eyes darting around the room before settling back on her green eyes. "What do you want me to talk about?" his voice was barely a raspy whisper as Claire leaned forward against her crossed knees.

"Sam you can talk about anything you want...i'm here for you...Consider me, a willing ear" she smiled softly. Claire glanced down at her notes before returning her gaze to Sam who was eyeing her almost suspiciously, walking back over to the chair he had previously occupied. 

The chair squeaked slightly as Sam slumped back in it in defeat "A willing ear?!" He parroted in a monotonous whisper "Ma'am I-" 

"please call me Claire" she cut him off with a raised hand ". 

Sam stared at her for a moment emotionless before huffing out another deep sigh, running his hand over his neatly trimmed salt and pepper beard. "Ma'am I don't know who I am!...I can't remember anything prior to waking up in the hospital with tubes down my throat and rods in my leg". His voice was steadily rising as he glared at her, his brow creasing as he balled his large fists.

"So please... tell me what the FUCK I'm supposed to talk about when I couldn't even remember my own damn name three months ago?" Sam was yelling now as he got back to his feet wobbling slightly due to his weak leg grabbing the back of the chair to gain some balance. 

Claire stared up at him, a look of sympathy on her face instead of the fear Sam was looking for. Instead she smiled "Sam you can talk to me about what you did yesterday, or the day before, or what you're thinking about" she was calmly gesturing with her small hands as his breathing began to slow down. "Everything is relevant here Sam! It's my job to try and help you cope with your trauma and this is the best way I know how". She stared into his blazing eyes as he frowned down at her before glaring back at the row of high set windows behind him. "Please Sam, let me at least try?" she whispered. 

Sam sighed letting his shoulders slump slightly before he made his way behind his chair grasping the back to lean on it taking the weight off his leg. 

"fine" he paused again mouth a gap as if he wasn't sure how to express himself. 

Claire sighed "Sam it's ok", she glanced back down at her notes flipping the page before scanning a couple more lines before looking back up at his tall frame. "Did you have another nightmare last night?" 

Sam glared at her, tapping his long fingers on the back of the chair a couple times before jerking away, Stalking around the room like a caged animal. "So what if I did, huh?" He growled stopping his stomping around before making his way back to the chair, rubbing his leg in irritation. "It's that uh...PTSD shit or whatever..." he hissed sitting back down with a huff, "I'm having nightmares about a war, I don't even fuckin’ remember".

He sighed, rubbing the back of his neck before glancing back to Claire "I hate this" he mumbled, letting his face drop, lacing his fingers behind his head, swaying back and forth between his knees letting them bounce nervously. 

Claire reached out, gently placing her warm hand on his cool one, seeking to comfort him. But the sudden contact caused him to jerk away his breathing coming out in quick puffs as he stared wide eyed at her before calming down with a relieved sigh, his eyes turning soft with regret as he quickly looked away from her "sorry" he whispered, almost too low for her to hear. "If I'm being honest here, it's not just nightmares anymore doc", Claire watched him as he continued to avoid eye contact.

"Yesterday I was...I was just standing outside having a smoke when..." Sam seemed to get lost his hazel eyes clouding over as he stared off into space. Claire cocked her head slightly "Sam?" The man in question blinked rapidly before taking a deep ragged breath, the visions of bright sand and blood with the sounds of gunshots echoing in his head. 

"Uh...I..." Claire shook her head silencing him "Sam it's ok...are you trying to tell me your memories are surfacing outside of rem sleep?" 

Sam snorted, his mouth turning up in a slight smile letting one of his dimples shine through his beard, "if that means I'm having fucked up visions of dead people doc, then ya". The slight smile faded quicker than it appeared as he closed his eyes once more, "truth is..." he sighed "I don't know if I want to remember".

Claire bit her bottom lip gazing at him in sympathy, she couldn't imagine what it would be like to wake up and have no memory of who you are or what you've done. With the mystery surrounding why he was out in the middle of the desert with no food or water with no camp in sight with a shattered leg making him even more interesting, Claire just wanted him to smile more. A truly genuine smile. She wanted him to be happy. 

Sam was sinking in a sea of guilt for a crime he had no memory of. He was torturing himself and didn't know why. 

Claire wanted to help him forgive himself and find a way to start over and just maybe they could figure this mystery out together. 

Claire watched as he leaned back into the chair staring up at the ceiling "tell me Sam...when you say you don't want to remember, is it because you're afraid of your past?" 

Sam chewed the inside of his cheek as his gaze landed on her briefly before falling to the floor. Claire looked to the floor with him her eyes darting to his hands as he began rubbing them together "Sam?" She questioned softly "why are you afraid to remember?" 

He shook his head slowly before meeting her green gaze with his hazel one, she couldn't help but smile. His eyes were a beautiful mixture of greens and browns. Sam noticed her observations and quickly returned his eyes back to the floor, feeling her frown.

He didn't want her seeing the damage in his eyes. He didn't want her to somehow find who he once was staring back out at her, if the eyes are the windows to the soul then he needed to keep his shut. 

"I can feel it ya know?" Sam whispered, his head still bent to avoid her forgiving stare. 

"Feel what?" Her soft voice asked. 

Sam glanced up at her briefly, holding her eyes while he spoke "I'm not a good person". His eyes retreated to his clasped hands, running his fingers on his right hand across the back of his left before running it across his forehead with a deep exhale. 

Claire shook her head "why so sure?" 

"Call it a hunch" Sam grumbled picking at something on his lounge pants.

"Sam....can you look at me for a moment please?" Claire’s voice came out more commanding than she had been aiming for, silently she prayed she hadn't scared him off. 

Startled, Sam jerked his attention to her face a deep frown meeting one of her own, She watched as several emotions flashed through his beautiful eyes until fear settled in as the dominant. "This is an opportunity to start over" Claire shifted in her seat keeping the eye contact she knew was making him uncomfortable, clearing her throat quietly before continuing.

"Sam the doctors agreed that there was a high chance your memories wouldn't return". Sam's eyes twitched almost closing but quickly centered back on hers a small huff of humorless laughter escaping his throat "what a relief".

"look Sam, what I'm trying to say is don't worry, ok?" Claire had a small smile on her face "who you were is not who you are now, not if you don't want it to be".

Sam sighed finally dropping his gaze in relief "I thought your job was to get me to remember?" 

She shook her head "No Sam, my job is to help you feel comfortable with yourself enough so that you can work on gaining some manner of control over your life". 

Sam eyed her, gesturing slowly between them "so...what? we just bullshit back and forth?" 

He watched as the woman before him smiled wider, bringing light to her features "exactly Sam, just innocent communication between friends. I have no motive here". 

Claire was surprised to see his features suddenly harden "is that what we are doc?" 

Claire's smile faded and Sam was almost sad to see it go but he was getting tired of this. "I'm sorry?" She questioned, her face now tense with confusion. Sam's gaze hardened further "friends doc?...really?" he made a small displeased noise before leaning forward. "We just met lady, if anything we are semi friendly acquaintances", his tone was gruff and almost hurt.

Claire sighed "I'm sorry Sam I didn't mean to upset you, I just meant that if given the opportunity..." she smiled softly "I'd like to be friends". Sam snorted, a sneer spreading across his handsome face "you're in the same damn sinking ship as I am lady, I mean isn't it normal for friends to share things about one another?" 

Claire shifted her weight, running a loose strand of hair behind her ear feeling a slight twinge of mirth at the fact he had chosen to demote her from "doc" to "lady". He was pulling away. "Yes Sam, and that's what we're gonna do". He growled "you know as much about me as I do...not much to share". 

Claire huffed in annoyance before slipping back into her mask of professional civility, "Sam I understand. You're obviously uncomfortable with divulging your emotions and being open with someone, you're lost, you're afraid, and you feel alone". Claire watched as the hurt flashed across his hazel eyes, his gaze falling to the floor, the muscle in his jaw visibly tensing as she watched his confidence retreat.

"And your right" she continued "so let me rephrase" slowly she reached her hand out to him as his gaze wandered to her outstretched hand. 

"Let me be your first friend...and help you start a new life". 

Sam glanced up meeting her green eyes, she was right and a part of him wanted someone to care enough to help him, so with brief reluctance he clasped his rough hand around hers giving it one solid shake.

"fine doc", he retreated his hand back to his lap with a heavy sigh "you win".

Claire smiled "then I will see you tomorrow".


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Claire's attempt to bring a smile to Sam's stoic nature causes a severe reaction threatening their fragile friendship.

“How are you feeling today Sam?”,

Claire watched as the man in question continued to stare at the white card table set up between them. The question itself was a mere formality, There was no doubt in Claire’s mind how he felt. Sam was angry. His brows pulled together, his arms crossed tightly across his chest, the sleeves of his black wool sweater pulled over his large hands. 

He felt vulnerable, he was guarding himself that much was clear.

“It says here in the staffs nightly report that you didn't get much sleep last night” Claire scanned over the papers in the manila folder leafing through at a leisurely pace.

Sam decided to give up his staring contest with the table to slide his chair away from it so that his hard gaze was now aimed at the neighboring wall. Claire was disappointed that he chose to remain silent.

Grimacing slightly, she nodded at his unspoken answer writing down something in her note book as Sam finally spared her a quick glance. His eyes were tired and frustrated as she met his hazel orbs with a sympathetic smile. “Hmmm” was the only sound Sam made as his eyes returned to the wall. Claire was dressed in a deep maroon pants suit that clung to her curves, her long legs complimented by ink black heels her hair hanging down in a slight wave below her ears. Sam snuck another glance her way as she flipped through what he guessed was the nightly report she had spoken of. 

She nodded a couple times to herself before lifting her eyes once more to his, a soft smile lifting her glossed lips as he jerked his gaze away. He heard her let loose an almost tired huff, “Sam, please don't do this...you agreed to talk to me”. She flipped the folder closed with a snap placing her manicured hands on top fiddling with the large paper clip attached to its corner.

“look if you don't want to talk about the nightmares then don't...but please don't shut me out, I can't help you that way”. When she didn't get a response Claire was struck by an idea, clapping her hands together causing the sound to echo around the room. Sam’s body jolted in surprise his lips pulling into a grimace as he eyed her angrily.

well at least now she had his attention. 

Keeping her hands together Claire smiled brightly “ok how about we do something fun?” 

Sam continued to eye her in annoyance as she suddenly grabbed a large white box he hadn't noticed before by her feet, pulling it up onto the table. Sam watched closely as she flipped the lid off the box and began rummaging through it before letting loose a triumphant “ah-ha” slapping a small stack of laminated cards next to her notepad, “here we go” Claire giggled at Sam's displeased expression.

“What's your favorite color Sam?” she giggled slightly continuing to stare at him. Sam glared at her before letting out a scoff “I don't have a fucking favorite color doc”. Claire raised an eyebrow at him with a mischievous smirk as she spread the cards out in between them “I want you to look over these cards and when you see a color that makes you happy I want you to point it out”. 

Sam continued to glare at her before she let out a heavy sigh “Sam humor me, please”.

“This is fucking stupid” he growled turning his body back toward the table before dropping his eyes to the cards. 

The cards were simple enough, each an off white signaling their use with large circles of different colors in each center. Sam exhaled through his nose as his eyes darted from one card to the other. Claire watched him closely looking for the slightest change in demeanor. 

The room was silent except for the ‘tick tick’ of the nearby clock. It seemed like hours before she saw it, the slight twitch at the corner of his lips. Claire couldn't hold in her gasp “there!!” once again causing Sam to jump in surprise, any hint of a smile disappearing quickly. Replaced with a mixture of annoyance and maybe some fear. 

Claire smiled wide “what color were you looking at?”

“Uh...i..when?” he stumbled over his words clearly confused by her excitement, his brow still tense and his mouth now opening and closing not realizing there was anything to be excited about. 

Claire smiled gently reaching her right hand out with her palm open, Sam eyed her fair skin then her face in curiosity. “It's there if you need it Sam”. He gave a slight nod but didn't accept the gesture. Claire gave a soft smile before pulling her hand away, “which card made you smile Sam?” 

He made an uncomfortable noise in response before clearing his throat “none of em” he growled. Claire let out a short frustrated sound “that's not true Sam” she snapped. His eyes darted to the table then to the floor, Claire felt a pang of guilt realizing how unjustly short she was becoming with him. 

“I...I’m….look Sam i'm really sorry, I didn't mean to snap at you” she sighed rubbing her temple before gesturing toward him “when you were looking over the cards you almost smiled, it wasn't a full one but it's enough to get excited about”. Sam looked at the cards his fingers lightly touching the edges of a few, his lips pulled in a tight line shaking his head before he looked up at her. 

“I'm not sure” 

Claire nodded with a slight frown “ok, well…. here...” startling Sam once again she gathered up her chair positioning it next to him, their shoulders touching gently as she pressed in to gather up the cards. Sam coughed roughly, his mouth a gap once more as she moved back to her seat. He internally scolded himself for his increased breathing at her close proximity. 

Sam watched her shuffle the cards in her lap scooting away from the table gesturing him to do the same so that they were once again facing one another.

Claire smiled up at Sam noticing him slowly rubbing his right shoulder where they touched. His far off stare making her feel the need to apologize “Sam I'm sorry...I didn't mean to make u uncomfortable or anything…” Sam shook his head smiling briefly “it's fine Ma'am”. Claire watched him, a smile spreading across her face “there it is!” Sam met her gaze tilting his head in confusion at her words. She leaned forward slightly “the smile I was looking for”. Her voice soft, her smile widening as he looked to the floor in attempt to hide his own, his face turning a slight shade of pink barely visible amongst his tan skin. 

Choosing to not pry to far into his emotions, Claire smiled biting her bottom lip before holding up the stack of cards. 

He had a beautiful smile. 

“I'm gonna hold up each card and when I see a reaction I'm gonna place it on the table, ok?” Sam took a deep breath nodding in compliance as she began holding up each card. Silently he watched each card presented to him, a heavy weight pressing in on his chest. He didn't want to smile. It had been a selfish mistake when he had let it slip earlier. 

Claire was a beautiful woman. 

She was smart, vibrant and kind. 

Sam was none of those things. 

He was damaged and even the best psychiatrists in the state weren't able to pull him from the depths of his self pity. What's worse was the fact he didn't know why he felt guilty, just that the feeling felt right. He would be lying if he said it didn't feel good to see how much she cared, but in the end he didn't fucking deserve it. In his heart Sam knew he was a horrible person, he could feel it like a sickness. It's like his soul had been poisoned. 

Well, that is if he even believed in that sort of thing. 

He didn't deserve to be happy. He didn't deserve her pity, and he sure as hell didn't deserve to smile. 

Claire had been observing Sam’s retreat into himself as she flashed the cards. He checked out right around green, his eyes glazing over. Gently she sat the cards in her lap. “Sam?” Claire made sure to speak softly, the last thing she wanted was to startle him into a panic attack. Her heart began to race when he didn't answer, looking around the room she got to her feet setting the cards on the seat of her chair before walking over to him kneeling by his side taking it slow as he began to breathe heavily.

Claire eyed his rigid form cautiously as several emotions played over his handsome face before she did the only thing that made since. Reaching over to place her hand on his wool covered arm she gasped in shock and pain as he quickly locked her hand with his in a vice grip. His eyes wide and distant, his chest heaving as he sunk further in the chair. 

“Sam!...Sam! Come on Sam, snap out of it!!” Claire was running her hand over the one he had a death grip on, she was getting worried. Claire had read about his episodes but this was the first one she had witnessed one first hand. Ignoring the growing pain in her hand she quickly brought her left hand up to his cheek running it across his silver facial hair pulling his forehead to hers. “Sam you can make it back, just listen to my voice ok? focus”. 

“You!!...you hunted us like animals you piece of shit” the voice screamed at him the sky rolling above him a deep red. Sam lay on the burning sand his right leg on fire as blood oozed through his cargo pants pooling beneath him. 

His chest heaving against his sweat soaked shirt as he reached up toward the silhouette hovering above him, lighting broke the sky with a loud crash “Let the dessert have you!” the shadow growled at him as drops of rain fell from the sky soaking his overheated body. 

Sam roared out in pain, arching his back off the ground as the wound on his leg seemed to get worse the skin tearing away from his exposed bone. “LET THE DESSERT KILL YOU!!!” another streak of lightning illuminating the golden sand as Sam dropped back to the hot ground sending dust dancing up around his writhing body. All he could see was red as he lifted his hands above his face, the rain turning a deep red drenching him in dark blood. 

“Sam!!” a loud clear voice echoed in his head causing him to cry out. 

Sam screamed in pain as he shoved himself away from Claire falling to the floor with a painful thud. His whole body was trembling, panting as he scrambled to the nearest corner beside his bed, pulling his legs to his chest. He was sure his heart was going to tear right out of his body at any moment. His lungs were on fire as he gasped for air slamming his head against the wall. 

“Sam! Calm down, it's ok, breathe!” Claire had made her way to the foot of his bed, she wanted to help but she didn't want to make matters worse by invading his space. 

“Sam, look at me please” Sam couldn't bring himself to look at her, they were getting worse, his nightmares weren't nightmares anymore, he couldn't escape. 

His lungs refused to work, wincing as he smashed his head against the wall again and again screaming out in agony and rage before dropping his face to his hands letting in a shaky breath. The sound of his door opening caught Claire's attention, quickly she waved her hand at the orderlies telling them she had the situation under control. 

“Sam, it's ok...you're safe here” her voice was clear but shaky as she gently placed her hand on his shoulder rubbing his arm in soothing circles. Sam jerked at the touch but didn't move away, his head still firmly in his hands as he tried to catch his breath.

Claire’s heart broke as he moved his hands through his graying hair gripping the back of his head before releasing a choked sob. His shoulders shook slightly as he took deep breaths “just….leave me alone, please”. His voice broke, barely audible beneath his sweater clad arms. 

Claire shook her head scooting in next to him on the floor happy that this time he remained motionless “that's not happening Sam. what kind of person would I be if I left you now?” 

“A smart one!” He growled beneath his arms propping them onto his knees still hiding his face. 

Claire’s smile faded before returning slightly “Sam I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere I promise”. She watched as his head bobbed slightly in acknowledgment, she could see the side of his face was damp with tears but she kept silent choosing to just sit next to him, there backs against the bleach white wall as she continued to rub his arm. She didn't need to talk. She needed him to know He wasn't alone. Not anymore.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Claire helps Sam take control of his episodes.

Claire wasn't sure how long they had been sitting there. Sam’s breathing had long since calmed down but he remained motionless. She knew he needed to take his time but she couldn't fight the pain developing in her chest at his emotional state. 

Taking a deep breath she tilted her head down to his hunched over form. “Sam?...Sam, are you ok?” she questioned softly, his head turning to her slightly so that his face rested on his arms placed firmly on his bent knees. Claire frowned at his wrecked appearance, his beautiful hazel eyes red and his face blotchy from crying. He looked ready to pass out from the exhaustion, his hair tossed and sticking up in different directions. 

She couldn't stop her eyes from misting over, “Sam, I am so sorry” taking a shaky breath she continued “ I shouldn't of pushed you...it was stupid...I...” 

“ss’ok” Sam mumbled, his mouth still half covered by his sweater. 

Smiling weakly Claire leaned her head back against the wall her eyes drifting back to him in concern “is your head ok?” Sam grumbled something as he shrugged his shoulders. Claire furrowed her brow as she gently examined the back of his head gasping as her fingers ran through a patch of his sticky blood. 

“Jesus Sam, I've gotta get this cleaned up” she said getting to her feet quickly, her heels clicking on the floor as she swung his door open before disappearing down the hall. 

Sam watched her leave, waiting until his door slammed shut before taking a few deep breaths carefully extending his right leg out. His eyes snapped shut as let out a deep painful groan. The doctors had told him his leg injury would've been a relatively easy fix, but unfortunately his wound had been left unattended for too long. According to them it had been a fucking mess when they wheeled him in. He distinctly remembered the words “overflowing with infection” and “permanent damage” had been used. 

He guessed in the end he should just be happy to still have the damn thing. 

Growling as a loud bang jerked Sam out of his thoughts, he opened his eyes slightly before sliding them back shut as Claire burst back into his room, holding a small white bag with a red Cross on it. Grunting quietly he began moving his ankles and toes around to get the blood circulating. 

Claire smiled when she saw Sam had moved from his previous spot, even if it was only his legs, it was still a good sign. Both of his long limbs were extended out in front of him as he opened his eyes to watch her make her way to his side of the bed. She couldn't help but let out a quiet giggle as he wiggled his toes, she watched her footing carefully since she was practically tip-toeing around his legs to sit on its edge.

The bed made a couple loud squeaks as she sat down, her fingers gripping the bag tightly as she took a deep breath. The sound of Sam shifting on the floor snapping her out of it while fiddling absentmindedly with the bag, Claire cleared her throat as she unzipped it's top, grabbing out a few items before placing it roughly by her side. 

Sam and Claire’s eyes finally met when she spoke, “It... uh would probably be easier to work up here” she said patting the spot next to her with a few solid taps. Sam nodded wincing slightly when he pushed his weight against the wall in attempt to gain some leverage, his leg refusing to cooperate causing him to let out a small pained sound before sliding back to the floor. 

Sighing he looked to her then back at his leg “um...could you...uh” he held his hand out to her dropping his gaze. Claire stared at him for a brief second before gasping shaking her head at her rudeness “oh of course, god I'm so sorry” she got to her feet grasping his rough hand, letting his long fingers wrap around her smooth skin.

“I wasn't thinking Sam, sorry” 

He grunted as he was pulled back to his feet, limping with a slight jerk as he shifted his weight to his good leg. “You know you apologize an awful lot? “ his voice was rough but she could tell he was poking fun at her. 

Claire smiled “sor..” Sam cocked an eyebrow as her hand came to her mouth, a small laugh escaping her smooth lips. “I'll try to work on that”. She couldn't help the slight blush that spread across her cheeks. Sam smirked settling down on the hard mattress turning his back to her as she moved in behind him. 

Claire sat up straighter, damn he was tall. She shifted slightly in attempt to reach his wound to no avail. “uh...Sam..” he jerked slightly when she gently placed her hands in his hair “can I..?” with a slight pull she ushered him to lean back. Sam let out an uncomfortable sigh but allowed her to work, his eyes falling shut as Claire dabbed the alcohol swab against his broken skin. He could handle the slight pain her attention to his wound brought. What bothered him was the fact he couldn't deny how much he was enjoying the feeling of her fingers running through his hair.

Claire apologized quietly when she picked up on his subtle twitches and face ticks as she finished cleaning up the small cut on his head. “There ya go” she sighed, her nails scratching his scalp slightly as she ran her hand through his hair once more before giving his shoulder a gentle tap. Sam took a deep breath before sitting up straight turning his body so that he was sitting next to her. “You ok?” her voice was soft like she was afraid of spooking a wild animal. Sam nodded wondering exactly how many times she was gonna ask that before answering “I'm fine”. 

Claire smiled “it's not too deep” she gestured toward his head, “should be healed up in no time”. He nodded once again glancing over to her, his eyes heavy as he forced a small smile “thanks” 

Claire was kicking herself in her head, how could she of been so stupid? She shouldn't of pushed him. She could see him sinking further into himself and she had no idea how to drag him back out. Sam was just staring at the floor his eyes sliding shut from exhaustion. Claire wanted to let him rest but knew it was a bad idea due to his head wound even if it was superficial. “Sam, I know your episodes are getting worse, your repressed memories are surfacing”. Sam’s eyes parted slightly as she continued. “it's gonna be hard for you to catch yourself if you get triggered, but I need you to try something for me ok?” 

Sam looked at her nodding making her smile gently “anytime your breathing increases, I need you to focus on an object in the room and concentrate on it. Then I need you to try and gain control back over your breathing by taking deep breaths ok?” she placed her hand on her stomach “make sure they're deep belly breaths ok? not just chest breaths, you know what I mean?”. Sam nodded once running his hand over his scruff “ok”. He was hurting, she could see it “Sam it's gonna be ok, I promise. If you can gain control over your episodes you're one step closer to understanding your memories”. 

He ran his long fingers through his disheveled hair before giving a short snort of disbelief “what's the point?” Claire eyed him her mouth opening to reply before he cut her off “there's no happy ending for me”. Sam’s voice was soft but rumbled like thunder. Claire blinked in confusion “What do you mean?” he dropped his hand to his thigh letting loose a rough exhale as he ran his tongue along his bottom lip before looking at her. 

Her heart clenched at the sadness she saw in his eyes “it's never gonna be better” he paused gesturing to himself “i’m...never gonna be better. I've tried, I've tried begging for forgiveness to whoever would listen” his voice was breaking, his breath shaky but the pain she could tell wanted to run down his cheeks remained within his tough exterior. He shook his head frowning deeply before looking to the floor “I've even tried…” he rubbed his right arm shifting uncomfortably “ending it”. Claire’s eyes widened she knew he was depressed, that he wasn't dealing with his condition well, but she was never told about this. 

“Sam, I didn't know...I..” Sam held up his hand gesturing for her silence “don't!” she sighed looking at her hands before meeting his eyes when he spoke again “ it seems I'm destined to suffer, I've made peace with that...I deserve it”. Claire shook her head her hand bringing his attention down to there now intertwined fingers “stop saying that Sam, you don't know what you deserve. Memories are confusing and sometimes messy, but don't let them be damning”. 

Sam’s brow tensed, his eyes remaining on their clasped hands “innocent men don't dream of slaughter doc”. Claire slid her right hand from his, placing it gently on his scruffy cheek bringing his tauny gaze back to her “perspective in dreams change, for all we know you could've witnessed these atrocities and escaped it. That doesn't mean you were the cause”. 

Sam growled jerking his hands from her getting to his feet with a pained wince “No,” he was breathing heavy now his face burning with rage as his voice gained volume “everytime I close my eyes I see em, those people I killed!!". “Sam you don't..” without hesitation he grabbed the med kit from the bed slamming it against the wall sending the contents spilling out around them. Claire gasped jumping at his sudden outburst “I killed them!” he pressed his hand firmly on his chest “Me!!...every time I watch bullets rip through another human being it's me pulling that damn trigger”. Claire was shaking as she watched his rage boil over, she honestly didn't know what to expect. Sam was pacing like a caged animal limping heavily on his right leg “I just want it to stop!” he growled as he continued to pace back and forth. When his gaze darted back to her he stopped, his eyes taking in her posture. A haze of regret suddenly slid over his face.

He wanted to apologize for his behavior but thought better of it. Perhaps scaring her off was the right thing to do, she didn't deserve this. To be dragged down into his darkness. 

Sam sighed running his hand through his hair, gripping the back of his head before kneeling painfully onto the floor as he began picking up the medical supplies he had strewn about. His head was pounding, rather it was from his altercation with the wall or all the yelling, he wasn't sure. But damn he felt like he just ran a marathon and got hit by a car at the finish line.

Claire watched as he got to his knees fighting the urge to usher him back to his feet, the position had to be painful. “Sam?” when he didn't acknowledge her she got down on the cold floor with him, grabbing the empty medkit. 

Sam sighed, placing the few objects he had in his large hands into the bag, reaching forward to grab a pair of scissors in front of Claire not realizing she too had reached for it. “Fuck!” Sam growled as their heads bumped together, wincing Claire rubbed her forehead as she plopped down on her backside. “Shit...sorry” Sam grumbled rubbing his head before offering her the scissors. Claire snorted a laugh covering up her mouth in embarrassment at the sound. “I'd apologize but I wouldn't want to over do it” she laughed taking the offered scissors and placing em in the bag. Sam watched her a moment, why was she not mad at him? This woman was something else, she had every reason to deem him violent and unstable. But instead she was patient and caring, he didn't deserve her. But...he didn't want to lose her either, for the first time since waking up Sam didn't feel alone. 

He promised to let her try didn't he? What the hell did he have to lose at this point? Sooner or later she would come to her senses and flee the all consuming black hole he is, so why not enjoy it while it lasts.

Sam felt a weight leave his chest at his decision. Claire would leave, that much was certain. Sam would then fall back into the awaiting abyss and finally end this hell. At least this way he could maybe have some good memories to dull the pain. Finally Sam had some control, he couldn't help but let a small smile pull at his lips as he looked into her green eyes “you've apologized enough dont’cha think?” 

Claire met his gaze not wanting to point out that he was genuinely smiling at her, but not wanting to miss it either. “So it's your turn then?” she asked sitting Indian style by his bed while he remained on his knees. He nodded wincing slightly as he shifted off his right knee, “sorry for throwing shit, and for uh...for scaring ya”. His voice was deep and raspy, “I feel like a damn fish outta water here”. Claire nodded “you know feeling aggravated and lost is normal Sam? but I am trying to help you here, I can't do that if you continue to shut me out”. 

He dropped his barely there smile for a defeated sigh as he nodded “I know...and...I do appreciate it” he met her gaze once more “really”. Claire continued to smile softly at him getting to her feet, grabbing the bag before offering him her hand. Sam gave another short smile before letting her assist him. 

Slowly they made their way to his door “are you gonna be ok Sam?” her voice was laced with worry as she turned to face him. He looked surprised at the question before nodding. Claire returned the nod gripping the handle of the door before turning back to him, “I'm gonna try and see if they will let me take you outside for a couple sessions, maybe cheer ya up some”. 

Sam let his dimples show briefly as he ran his hand through his messy hair tugging on his earlobe gently “thank you” he sighed wrapping his arms around his torso. “Will I see you tomorrow then?” Claire shook her head “I actually have a mandatory meeting tomorrow". Sam frowned, he didn’t want to be alone again, two days with this woman and he already felt lost without her. 

Claire noticed his smile disappear “I'm sorry Sam, I'll come by afterwards, I promise...if only to say hi to my friend” she winked patting him on the shoulder. Sam smiled but his mind was drifting, what the hell was he gonna do? Without Claire he would be left with his thoughts...and his demons. “I'll see you tomorrow Sam, I promise”. He watched as she shut the door behind her, leaving him to his four walls once again.

Slowly he limped to his bed stopping just short of his mattress when his eyes caught the glint of something by the leg of his bed. Bending over slightly he grabbed the object turning it over in his hand. He glared down at the stainless steel scalpel, his mind drifting to its dark corners before he quickly shoved it under his mattress. Sam closed his eyes taking deep controlled breaths opening them once again. Flipping off his lights he flopped down on his bed sighing heavily. Just one day, that's it. One day without her.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam deals with Claire's absence

Sam glared at the closed door, his breathing heavy, his hands clawing at his denim covered knees. Hazel eyes burning a hole in it's cold steel, a deep snarl rising from his chest. 

It felt as if a mac truck was sitting directly on his lungs, sweat forming at his silver temples before he slowly began rocking back and forth on the edge of his freshly made bed. Fucking, fuck, fuck fuuuuck...he couldn't do this, he didn’t want to do this. Sam huffed out a defeated sigh, his head dropping between his knees.

Gripping the back of his head he tangled his long fingers through his hair, absentmindedly pulling on its strands to the point of pain. His left knee bounced nervously before he pushed himself to his feet with a loud growl. “Fuck you” he hissed giving his door the bird, he didn’t need to do anything, he could stay here. In his room, safe.

Sam hummed nervously, shaking his head as he made a solid attempt to wear a hole in the floor with his pacing. Pushing his brows together he narrowed his eyes once again at his self-made barrier. All he was missing was a tumbleweed and The Good The Bad And The Ugly chiming in the distance. 

Snorting at the absurdity of him dueling his door he strode forward gripping it's cold handle before pausing. He couldn't do this. He couldn't. Claire would understand, she would tell him being antisocial was normal given his situation. Sam nodded to himself, yeah...he could stay in here, what's the worse that could happen?

As if on cue his eyes fell to the side of his mattress where he had stashed the scalpel. Sam swallowed thickly, his Adam's apple bobbing noticeably. It felt like he just swallowed a fucking baseball. “Fuck this” he grunted striding to his bed as he grabbed a cream colored sweater from his bedside drawer. His eyes once again falling to his hidden weapon. Sighing he pulled the sweater over his messy hair before finally yanking his door open. 

Sam remained frozen on the other side as it banged close behind him, his shoulders jerking at the uncomfortable noise. His hands shaking as he ran them over his salt and pepper beard. What the hell was he thinking? he never left his room unless he was smoking or going to the restroom. This was fucking stupid, he didn’t want to be around the others. He didn’t want there judgmental eyes tearing into him. 

But then his thoughts drifted to Claire, he knew he couldn't trust himself to be alone. It was just one day. Plus, maybe Claire would appreciate his effort to gain some normality in his life, despite his discomfort. 

The thought of bringing a smile to her face never failed to bring one to his own, and rather he ever admitted it or not, he did enjoy it. 

\------------------------------------------

 

The activities lounge was just about as lively as two day road kill, a fact that Sam was grateful for. The last thing he wanted was to be overwhelmed with through traffic.

Having himself freak out in front of an audience was something he would rather avoid. 

The surrounding walls were the color of celery, void of anything that would suggest this was a medical building. Instead they were decorated with pictures of landscapes and baby animals. Ceramic pots with fake flowers in the corners, two gray lounge chairs, a love seat the color of blood and a large tan couch pushed against the opposite wall. Anything and everything was arranged to incite peace and serenity.

Sam’s lips curled in disgust, if Claire asked him what his favorite color was again he could definitely mark some off the list. At the center of the room was a large table, round of course, the more he looked the more he noticed the lack of corners and accessible means of destruction. 

The room wasn't completely devoid of life though, a older woman wearing gray sweatpants and a neon pink tank top sat in one of the lounge chairs. Her long spiderweb like hair hanging around her face like a curtain. A young man was sprawled out across the couch, a book with the sleeve missing perched on his chest. He had blond hair and a cast on his left arm, Sam glanced over at the large caged off room to his left. Danny, the orderly who normally brought Sam his meals everyday was sitting behind the counter. 

Sam took a deep breath before making his way to the love seat. “Sam?” Danny stood up from his chair smiling as the man in question turned to face him. “Wow what's the occasion?” 

Sam stammered a bit as his eyes drifted around the room “decided to see what all the fuss was about I guess” he sighed. Danny chuckled “bout time” a small smile quirked the edge of Sam's lips as he plopped himself on the loveseats soft cushions “yeah”. Danny smiled, sitting back in his chair, flipping through his magazine as he sipped his coffee from a foam cup. 

Sam closed his eyes as he leaned back stretching out his long legs

this wasn't so bad...

“Well aren't you a tall drink of water” Sam’s eyes snapped open as the cushion next to him sunk down, a hand running roughly across his leg to his inner thigh. Growling he caught the offending limb by the wrist jerking it from his leg. His fuming gaze falling on bright blue eyes.

Sitting far closer than necessary was a woman probably in her mid twenties, her strawberry blond hair in an elegant pixie cut. She had her standard white t-shirt tied in a knot above her navel, her faded blue jeans hanging low on her hips as she crossed her legs bumping his knee with her foot. 

Sam glared at her, scooting as far as he could in the opposite direction. The woman smiled leaning toward him causing him to lean farther away. “awww, you're so timid, it's adorable” Sam snorted “I'm cautious” she chuckled softly “same difference honey”. His eyes narrowed down at her “uh could you…?” he gestured to the opposite end of the loveseat. The woman giggled, her tongue peeking out between her lips “I don't bite sweet thang” much to Sam's discomfort she scooted closer flinging her arm around his shoulders. “I've never seen you out here before, what's your name handsome?”. 

Sam got to his feet wincing at the sudden pressure in his leg, the sudden movement causing the woman to flop onto his previously occupied cushion. “I'm Deanna” she purred stretching out on the cushions like a cat, Sam cringed at the display. Sure there was no denying her beauty but she was beautiful much like a poisonous tree frog was beautiful. “Could you leave me alone please” he grumbled moving to the now unoccupied couch, he hadn't seen ware the man had gone, but at the moment he couldn't care less. 

Deanna hummed deeply pushing herself off the loveseat, grabbing his hand before he could sit down “lord have mercy, look at these!!” she gasped running her fingers delicately over his “god your hands are gorgeous” she practically moaned before leaning up to his ear “I bet they look absolutely breathtaking covered in blood”. 

Sam grunted pulling his hand away, his eyes wide “what the fucks wrong with you lady, back off!!” his breathing began to increase. What the hell did she mean by that? Deanna laughed leaning forward “you got a killer's eyes gorgeous...so how many people have you killed?” Sam looked around nervously, he needed to get out of here. 

“I can't remember anything, I was in the military so I guess the eyes are justified”. Deanna shook her head “No this is different” she slowly ran her hand halfway up his chest before he pushed her wandering digits from his body. “I know a murderer when I see one, I'll give ya a tip sugar. Keep your memories to yourself, even if they come back”. 

Sam furrowed his brow in confusion “why would I do that?” the woman circled around him running her finger across his broad shoulders. “because handsome, if you're crazy enough to remain here then you're crazy enough to avoid the death penalty”. Sam turned to peer at her over his shoulder “who I was, is not who I have to be”

Deanna’s eyes widened before she burst into laughter “and who the hell told you that garbage? Trust me honey, they want you to remember”. She raked her hands down his back before leaning up so her chin was resting on his shoulder “and when you do” she hissed “it's lynching time”. She erupted once more into hysterical laughter before pushing herself away from him skipping to the loveseat. 

Sam felt his chest tighten, that couldn't be true. Deanna was obviously off her rocker, Claire wouldn't lie to him...would she? Sam ran his hands through his hair as his breathing picked up. Is that all this was, some elaborate way to draw him in and convict him for something he couldn't even remember? Sam growled, fuck this, he should of known. He should've realized he was never in control. From the moment he gained consciousness he had been told what to do and what to expect. He was stuck in this hell, forever wading through the mess his previous life had left. 

He breathed heavily through his nose before taking off back to his room at a brisk pace. Fuck them, fuck this, he was gonna gain control one way or another. If he couldn't gain control over his life than he sure as shit was gonna have control over his death. He'd be damned if he failed to go out on his own terms.

Sam shoved open his door letting it slam against the wall before walking over to his bed. He felt sick, the rage bubbling up in his chest like a volcano about to erupt, he was such a fool. A stupid, worthless fool.

Sam roared flipping his mattress onto the floor, the scalpel tumbling to the edge of his toes. “Stupid, stupid, stupid” he growled smacking the side of his head before his eyes landed on the gleaming steel at his feet. His eyes widened, his breathing ragged, slowly he bent at the waist picking the scalpel up off the floor turning it over in his hand.

 

Squeezing his eyes shut he sat at the edge of its frame, this time he was gonna be in control. Sighing he pressed the tip of the scalpel to his tan wrist, wincing as a small drop of crimson blood oozed out around the blade. Sam breathed out heavily as he pressed the blade deeper into his skin sending small rivulets running down his arm before dripping to the white floor. His hazel eyes darted from his wound to the growing puddle on the floor. “Fuck this” he hissed running the blade the length of his wrist as the loud clank of his door opening crashed like thunder to his ears. 

Sam jerked his head up to stare into bright green eyes. The blood soaked blade dropping to the floor with a small tinkling sound, “Claire?” Sam gasped his heart clenching as he fell off of his bed frame into the pool of blood at his feet. Claire screamed sliding to her knees as she turned him over on his back

“Sam?...Sam open your eyes” His eyes fluttered open as a fresh gush of blood drained out of his wound. Claire turned to her side, her skirt and legs covered in his blood as she snatched the emergency call button from the side of his bed slamming her thumb over it. “Stay with me Sam, goddamnit” she gasped pressing both her hands over his wrist, blood hemorrhaging up between her fingers. 

“ Ahh” Sam groaned, his eyes snapped open rolling around before he attempted to sit up, clearly in shock. “Sam, no don't move, helps on the way” she placed one blood soaked hand on his chest shoving him back to the floor holding his wrist above his heart. Same gasped, his choked breaths feeling like ice in her veins. Suddenly he surged up from the floor once more shoving Claire away from him “no!!” he growled through his teeth snarling at her. 

The door to his room knocked against the wall for the second time that day as three orderlies barged inside. Sam shook his head, his face and hair streaked with blood as he attempted to fight off their assistance. Claire slid to the side her wrist over her mouth as her bloodied hands shook with adrenaline and fear. Sam growled as he was once again shoved to the floor.

His body weak from blood loss collapsed with a defiant huff after one of the men straddled his chest to stop his movements, finally allowing them to wrap a temporary bandage around his wrist.

Grunting in protest they hauled him off the ground by his arms and legs. Claire was thankful the infirmary was only two doors down from Sam's room. 

 

\--------------------------------------------------

 

Claire paced outside the infirmary, her hands caked in dry blood as she rubbed them against her shoulders. Fuck she couldn't stop shaking, What the hell happened? Shit, this was all her fucking fault, she knew he had been upset when she told him they wouldn't be having a session today. How the hell did he get a scalpel? A fresh wave of tears flooded Claire’s eyes bringing a halt to her frantic pacing as the realization hit her like a freight train. 

Of course, the damn medical kit. 

Claire sighed dropping into one of the nearby guest chairs lining the wall. God please let him be ok. She couldn't bare the thought of failing him. All she could think about was his deep hazel eyes full of hope when he asked if he was gonna see her today. 

Jesus, what the hell had she done?

If she had just showed up an hour earlier. Or just...she ran her hands through her hair stopping when she noticed how sticky they were. Claire grimaced leaning her head against the wall.

“soooo pretty” Claire’s eyes snapped open at the soft almost child-like voice. A young woman stood in front of her, her blue eyes bright as she reached out to touch the dried blood on Claire’s face. Claire stared at her in shocked confusion before the woman skipped down the hallway. 

Who the hell was that?


End file.
